D for Devo [Just a bit]

Now Playing : Can You Hear It - Taeyeon

I have realised just what a mess my last post was. Note to never read or write anything like that EVER again.

Today... I`m quite devo about everything.

Devo verb
To be devestated

Today was the last day of the year 12s.

That means byeee to Jackie, Jess, Annie, Mel, Teressa, Ness, Angel, Maegan and Jade TT__TT Which means no one there for me to worry to or know that somebody is in a worse position than me. How unsettling the feeling.

Even the glum weather agreed with me, drizzling while they released the balloons.

The leavers muck assembly was funny; no question about that. The communist dictatorship themed assembly was amusing for all, from Nicola marching around with a rifle threatening to shoot at anyone who coughed, wore a cardigan or summer jumper or had staff standing for the duration of assembly. I haven`t laughed at school like that for quite a while. Sadly... o__o But it was after that which made me just that bit depressed. The official handover was toching; I have to admit I`m not a fan of change and letting go; it was kind of a shock when I realised that I may never be ablke to fall asleep in assembly again without 450+ pairs of eyes staring at me at the front of the stage. It`s quite worrying, me thinks I need mroe sleep next year. That and the role models I`ve watched over the last few years are gone, instead this girl has to become and take on the responsibilities of Art Captain. I`m worried frankly that I`m nto good enough and I`m njto mature enough abotu everything.

Balloon sending off, then the tears came. Minus me. Year 12s with puffy eyes. I remember sayign alot; "Let`s keep in touch", "Do well in exams and best wished for exams" or "I`ll miss you so much..." and the juvenile requests like "Can we stil...hang out?" I have to admit, it`s the first time Iv`e hugged Jess without feelign the pain of suffocation in a while. I`m so worried about everything...that I`ll never be abole to see all of them again.

In a way, I know that this will be the last time I`ll see these people. But I`m hoping that I`ll still be able to talk to them if I see them.

On a brighter note, I`ve found that other people have been talkign to me since the officials have been announced., To me, I`m happy but I can see the hypocrisy in that. I`ve been given opportunities to be acknowledge and acknowledge others. That for me, gives me a sens eof deeper appreciation.

I figured that leaving PC is inevitable; time doesn`t stop for anyone. After all, I`ll be doing it next year. And then I ponder about what I`ll do with my life. What I`ll be in future, the inevitable growing old, whether I`ll be able to find someone, will I survive in that big big world? The kindy and prep girls performed for us this year; with the theme that it`s better to be small, because it`s only when you become big when you realise how good it is to be small. The realisation of that has hit me; it`s kind of like a wake up call that time flies so fast and sooner or later, you have to break out of that sheltered life and be alone, independent and survive on your own. When I was a kid, I took for granted the fact that all adults were smart. That was it was just a given and they knew for the best. You wake up the morning of your 18th and BAM, you knew everything and were mature enough to make choices. I realise nwo that that`s not always the case. You are in charge of what you learn and don`t learn. I`m scared really that I`m too immature and can`t deal with things. I`m scared of stepping up and facing the responsibility that lies ahead of me.

Like this afternoon at the Officials afternoon tea. While meeting with all the other Arts captains and discussing responsibilities liek Creative arts, I realised how sheltered we are and how even if you want to change things within a society, you can`t because of the restrictions placed upon the circumstances, even though your expectations are somewhat different. I have to admit I was disappointed in many aspects of that discussion. Things I want to speak out aainst, but it would be too hard. Things that might have later worse repercussions. Those restrictions I hope `ll learn to like, just like that sheltered environment which PC has. That hat I detested in year 8 and 9, I`ve come to view as beign cute now. That blazer which smelled like dog whn it got wet and was a bother now warms me when its cold. Appreciation of things come over time. I think its for the best because I`ve foudn things I don`t liek at first have often becoem my favourite things after a while.

Despite all this fear, there is a sense of excitement which I feel for the future. I can`t wait for planning of the ball next year, can`t wait for the leavers jackets, can`t wait of TEE to be over and leavers to start and cannot wait for independence when I get to uni. However very obvious hurdles are in my way before I can achieve these things. The prospect of being more in control scares and excites me.

I only hope that thigns can get better.

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